Another Healing Journey

I had a great trip to Rapid City last week. I went for a family reunion - which was actually down-sized due to other commitments, gas and flight prices, etc. Regardless of the lack of many out-of-towners, I was able to spend Friday through Sunday with Gary and Sharon! I always love our visits and come away feeling like an even bigger part of their family (if that's possible) and much closer to them and Troy, too. It's almost magical, how after a few days of talking, laughing and crying with Sharon and Gary I feel as if the hole in my heart is a little smaller and a little less calloused.

A few special notes about the week:
On Sunday afternoon we (Gary, Sharon, cousin Lonny, good friend Jerry and wife Nicole and myself) went to the plateau to place the identical cross we nailed at the crash site in Maine. It was a beautiful day and so nice to be together for such a special occasion. We even had Sheriff with us so he could run around and enjoy the plateau and the scenery (although he did bark at the cows on the way back!). I also brought along some of Handsome's ashes to lay at the base of the cross. I didn't share this with my family and friends on the plateau that day, but I have a new internet friend who recently lost her husband unexpectedly and has experienced a "spirit animal" --- Tiffany: I want you to know that Brian was with us that day as we remembered Troy.

A common occurrence in my life recently has been a connection with people I don't know who I've either been able to help or who have helped me with grief. A good example is my blog friend mentioned above. However, it's also happened here in Aberdeen and in South Dakota. I had an interesting encounter in Butte, Montana, on my way to RC that reminds me that every day, all over this planet, people lose their loved ones. It's hard. It doesn't matter what people tell you to try or say to you - you still have to go through your own grieving process. One day at a time. And sometimes, it's one hour or even one minute at a time. I so appreciate all the people in my life who give me support and love and understanding. I can't imagine having gone through Troy's loss without each and every one of you.

lco

Family

I'm headed to South Dakota for a family reunion next week. I can't wait to see my family! Sharon and I talk all the time and as much as I enjoy each of those conversations, it's just so nice to see my loved ones face to face! I also miss my dear friends, Maryjo and Candice and their great husbands and beautiful children. I have a jam-packed five day trip and am driving there and back (1200 miles one way). My little travel buddy, Sheriff, is coming with and will help to pass the long hours on the road.

As most of you reading this blog know, Troy has some wonderful grandparents in Rapid City. Red and Helen have been a part of my life since I met Troy. We used to go over to their house on Fox Run while we were still dating for dinner, and let me tell you, Grandma could put on a good meal! Since I had very few grandparents in my life growing up I have felt truly blessed to have these kind, loving, intelligent people in my life. Troy had great stories of Red and Helen traveling to Florida to see him, camping trips all over the mid-west in the Tioga, growing up on the ranch adjoining his grandparents property, how they helped after the flood of '72, and so many more. There's no way I can ever relate all of them here.

In 1996 I sent Helen a "Grandmother's Memories" book to fill out for Troy's 30th birthday. (I also sent one to Sharon to do the same). I ran across these books recently during my move and thought this was so darling. I wanted to share it here:

When I first became a grandmother, I felt: like a million dollars. Troy was my first grandchild and he was such a sweet, lovable boy - blonde and blue eyes. For me, some of the most enjoyable things about being a grandmother are: the many times Troy spent at our house, sometimes a week or two at a time. Our home was his home and we went to shows and shopping. I spent a lot of time at K-Mart while he decided which toys he wanted.

For me, I won't forget the times Grandma and Grandpa came to visit us. They flew to Portland when we lived on the Oregon Coast and also to Alaska. We even took them sailing near Juneau on our sailboat and Troy somehow coerced Grandpa into getting into the Zodiac inflatable boat for a ride! It was the funniest thing I've ever seen - Grandpa Red had one hand on the boat and the other on his cowboy hat and they were buckin' the waves!! Troy loved to share his enthusiasm and adventures with his grandparents and I think they loved it, too.

I'm so fortunate to have these wonderful people in my life. I'll see you both soon!

Love,

Lori

You Have Become

The following poem came to me today with Handsome's ashes. I thought it was beautiful and so appropriate for both Handsome and Troy.

You have become the wind that plays in my hair.

You have become the water that washes away my pain.

You have become the sun that takes away my tears.

You have become the shadow who gives me the power to fight with all my fears.

Now you are in heaven, sleeping your endless sleep,

Living your prettiest dreams on a cloud, so soft and so deep...

By Sanja Temnik

Handsome

Yesterday my Handsome boy passed away. I knew it was coming, he was very ill and not responding to his diabetes treatment. My vet(s) and their wonderful staff did so much to help him and make him comfortable near the end. They also knew that Handsome would lapse into a coma at any time and didn't want us (Handsome and me) to deal with that over the weekend at home. I was able to hold him through the end and afterwards until I was ready to say goodbye and leave him. I didn't know it would be this hard. He was my friend, my first "kid" with Troy! We brought him home from the Juneau Humane Society on August 30, 1995. He was just seven weeks old and could lay in the palm of my hand. Troy loved him so much! He even "snapped" his tail...a special trick I've never seen anyone else do. I know that Handsome had a great life and that I have an abundance of incredible memories with and of him. I also know that Troy and Handsome are in their special place now - together.

I'll add pictures of Handsome later. Just too much for me now.

Lori

WISH

As most of you know, Troy had written a novel titled WISH, which he completed in 2001. He worked to get it published and available to the public for many years. Iʼm thrilled to announce that Iʼve made that happen! Itʼs now available for purchase through http://www.lulu.com/ and the hardcover book is being assigned an ISBN so it can be bought through book sellers worldwide (this will happen in about a week). In the meantime, WISH can be purchased through the links below (or search at lulu) in either paperback or hardcover.

Hereʼs a synopsis Troy wrote:

Cole Caffy has dedicated his life as a talented engineer to building bridges that span rivers, which create safe passages. On the day of his retirement he wonders what kind of life heʼll lead without his days consumed by his passion for building bridges.

The answer comes in the form of a mysterious letter delivered sans postmark by a mischievous mailman. The letter informs Cole that because of his good deeds, and all that he has readily put aside so that others may discover fortune in their lives, he has been granted the ability to have his own wishes come true.

The unintended consequences of using his vibrant gift overwhelms Cole until a Dickens-like Clara Tout, another wish recipient, teaches Cole to understand the difference between wishing for what he wants and helping others obtain their own dreams.

Wish explores the chaos that underlies the power to acquire whatever we want, even when one with a generous heart is handed the reins of that very power.

Links:
Paperback http://www.lulu.com/content/2887791
Hardcover http://www.lulu.com/content/2903454

I love this story! I can't even tell you how many times I've read it and each time I become emotionally involved with the characters. For those of you close to Troy, I know you will hear his voice as you read the words. It's also nice to know many of the characters are named for people in Troy's life: Laura is the lead female, Jerry is a bartender, Brett is a friend's son, Jenny Massey is a neighbor, Sharon is a prior love-interest for Cole -- and there are others. I hope you are able to purchase a copy and read this fabulous book. Please feel free to pass along the information to anyone you think would enjoy a copy.

Love,

Lori

My Week

I so badly want to blog about the past and include scanned pictures of Troy, especially when he was young and with his family and all his adorable pets. I need to just make the time...so stay tuned - it will show up here soon.

I have a nasty sinus cold. It's strange how in life we tend to take the little things for granted. Even this morning when my head was throbbing and the snot was running down my face, I still got up, let Sheriff out to potty, refilled the water dish for him and Handsome, got some Tylenol and juice and went back to bed. I sure missed Troy! He was always such a good husband and so thoughtful, especially when I didn't feel good. So friends, don't forget to thank your spouse and child/children for the little things they do to make your life easier!

I'm flying the nest. It's been 6 months and two states with sis and family. It's been a great ride, but the time has come for me to venture off on my own. I found an over-the-garage apartment through a friend and can take my boys. They only rent to people they know and it's quite affordable. I'm so looking forward to painting and moving and arranging. I need some time for me and also time with the kids to be a good aunt. I think I get a little overwhelmed and turn into a "mom" and not the "let's have fun auntie" that I want to be. Plus, Becky and David need there space back. Okay, I sound like I'm justifying when what I really want to say is that I'll have my own place and can hardly wait!!

For those who haven't heard, Mr. Handsome is diabetic. Poor baby! I just found out last week and am giving him insulin shots twice a day. He doesn't seem at all bothered by the shot, which really helps me (because I hate needles!). So far, so good. He's even showing signs of improvement. Just keep him in your thoughts...

Signing off for now. I'll be back soon.
Lori

Art

I've spent the last few days going through some sketch books and journals of Troy's. As you can imagine, there have been a lot of emotions for me surrounding such a task! Troy was such an incredible artist and an imaginative writer. I wanted to share this picture he drew for me and I just scanned. You won't be able to see the detail, but hidden within the leaves of the tree are some amazing things - a little star man holding a Swiss flag, a purse, some insects, an Army guy and all kinds of neat little things. I'm sure they were symbolic for Troy, and most I know why, but some leave me wondering...

Enjoy the art, I'll add more soon.

Lori