This Thanksgiving

We were able to be at the Plateau to visit Troy and Handsome. There are always many emotions as we approach the Plateau, and this is the first in 41 years without my son in my life. Gary and I are so thankful for the support of our family and friends and so grateful that Lori will always be our daughter. Joining us for the day were my sister Karen and her husband Bob, our dear friends Jerry and Susie, Rod and Nicky. Together we climbed the Plateau, and even though Lori could not be with us, she was there in our hearts and thoughts. It was a crisp clear day and we enjoyed the beautiful view of Mt. Rushmore from afar, and the vast rolling plains.

We joined hands around the cross and shared the things that we admired, appreciated and loved about Troy, when he was young he made many trips up to the plateau either on a four wheeler, horse back, truck or hiking (what fun he had) he chose a unique and incredible resting place. We will be back to visit soon.

We miss and love you so much!! Gary and MAMA

I give thanks

Today is such a day of reflection for me. It's been almost one year since my life took a drastic turn and not a day goes by when I don't question why this all happened. Why am I here? Why did Troy die and why did I survive? Even though I ask these things over and over - I do know one answer - I'm here because my journey continues. I may not know exactly what that is, but I know that I do cherish the day and wake each morning with a smile knowing that I am alive and I do feel good. There may be valleys to balance my peaks...but they do not last and I am not depressed and I do not hate and I do the very most I can to limit my negativity - especially to those things or people that I have no control over.

So many people have touched my life in the last year that I know by naming you individually I will surely leave out someone important. Please don't take offense if you don't find yourself mentioned, because even if I may overlook someone inadvertently you are all important to me.

My parents. Your love, support, listening and respect have made a huge impact on my healing.

My sister. You have listened to me cry and scream. You took charge right away when Troy died and planned the memorial and made sure all those things that had to be done that I couldn't even think about doing were done. You are amazing and strong and I hope you know that.

Gary and Sharon. You were handed an incredible sadness with the death of your son, Troy. Yet you never faultered in taking care of your daughter - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. I don't know how we would have survived this last year without each other. I have loved you since I met you and always felt a part of your family and want you to know that will NEVER change.

The kids: my nephews and niece. You may never know how incredible your youth, attitude, naivety, and sheer abandon have made me see the joy in life.

David. You opened your home to me and have always offered up good advice.

Maryjo. My "wife." I call her this because I feel the same things about her that we say in wedding vows - I love her no matter what! She's been such a rock in my life, and not just this last year, but since I met her. She's amazing!

Candice. My dearest friend. I don't know how I would have dealt with being in the hospital and packing the farmhouse without the help from her and Bob. Her faith in God is unwavering and the love and kindness that she has shown me in my life is worth more than all the money in the world!

Grandma and Grandpa. There are no words to express how blessed I feel to have you in my life!

Garry and Marcia. Your love, spiritual insight and ability to listen are so important to me.

Courtney. I think our relationship is a bridge for me. It combines my past with your future. I look forward to building our friendship.

Friends - old and new. I believe that each person who enters my life is here for a reason. You have all touched my heart and my soul and made me the person I am today.

I give thanks for all those I love and who love me, too. I hope that you know what you have done for me is without question the most selfless thing one human can do for another. If I can ever return the favor don't hesitate to let me know and I'll be by your side in an instant!

With all my love,
Lori

Let's Eat Cake!

Happy Birthday, Lilly!

Therapy

Yesterday I attended two therapy sessions - one private Acutonics (see: http://www.7keyssound.com/) session combined with acupuncture and one group Gong Attunement. It's hard to even put into words the different feelings I experienced from both these appointments. I definitely felt a freeing sensation and with my eyes closed could see clouds of gray particles leaving my body. I suppose these were the negative energies and/or bad thoughts, etc. I know all this "new age" stuff is a little weird for some of you, however, it sure seems to be helping me and at this point in life I make no judgements!

I was reminded that energy is a valuable thing and that the positive energy we have is meant for our mental, emotional and spiritual well being. Try to keep those negative thoughts out of your head and out of your life! I'm going to do my best...Also, surround yourself with positive people and events and don't forget to laugh.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig

Today I Cried

Have I shared that I haven't been able to cry since I came back from Rapid City in August? I think it was because of the closure that I experienced while I was there - placing the cross at the Plateau where Troy's ashes are spread and also leaving some of Handsome's ashes, as well. I had a great (although short) visit with Gary and Sharon and once again we were able to connect on an incredibly emotional level. Since that time I've been feeling that my sadness has been banished and replaced by such positive memories of Troy and all the wonderful things we experienced together. That I grew a lot in that time - that I gave and received love, joy and happiness. Three simple things that many people take for granted...or worse yet, never feel, or never allow themselves to feel.

Fast forward to today: I met a woman through a mutual friend. I'll call this new person in my life, MP, a definite spiritual connection. She's the owner of Soul Picnic, a special retreat center here, she's also a massage therapist and leader of a healing circle on Sunday mornings. As soon as I looked into her eyes I knew that this beautiful woman had come into my life for a very important reason. After just a few minutes of sharing the tears had sprung from my eyes, and let me tell you - RELIEF! Just in those brief seconds of talking I realized how (once again) I am strong, but I don't always have to be. This is my life and I love it and I have control over how I feel and who I let in to share it with...and I chose to add MP to my circle.

Don't call on Sunday morning, I won't be answering. I'll be at Soul Picnic taking care of me.
L

A Mother's Words

A while back I shared some of Grandma O'Neill's writings from her memories book. I want to take some time to do the same with "A Mother's Memories," in which Sharon answered questions and attached photos of Troy for his 30th birthday.

When I first held my baby, I felt: a little nervous, so many things to remember. But once I got comfortable with him it was a warm and fulfilling feeling, he fit perfect in my arms. He was a little chunk - I hugged every inch of him.

Some of the heartwarming and amusing things I remember are: I would say "you baby, me mommy..." He said baby first! He loved his pets, but would call the dog Kitty and the kitty Dog. I thought it was so cute I just let him do it. One day he said "Mom, we're calling the kitty and dog wrong." Smile was the next word, as I was always in front of him with a camera saying "smile." If anyone mentioned camera or picture, the automatic smile was on his face.

I can remember some of Troy's favorite toys, like: Mr. Rabbit and a wooden riding giraffe, long-necked, spotted yellow and black and red. And in thinking of them now, I once again feel: so happy that I got some gifts he truly loved. He would pack Mr. Rabbit everywhere we went, he named it and seldom shared it. Many nights he'd fall asleep with Mr. Rabbit's tune, The Lullaby. It was even almost destroyed by a bad dog, I had a friend make him over, he now had one ear, one eye, no music box and different material, but still his favorite. Now, the giraffe didn't get the tender loving care that Mr. Rabbit did, it had wheels, four of them and made of wood and a seat Troy could sit on. It got pushed, thrown down, hammered on, stood upon and many times found upside down. But the string in it's mouth always had to be straight. They shared many miles together!In remembering family times together, some of the things I value most are: I guess this would be on the Hermosa Ranch because as a family we were always doing everything together. Troy always had such a great sense of humor and found fun even doing the daily chores. Those were the years I watched him grow and learn and happiness was all he knew.

Sharon, Thank you for sharing such wonderful memories of Troy! I know how much he enjoyed reading through your answers to the questions in this book and I know that now it's so nice for me to read through your beautiful words.

I love you!

Lori

What I've learned as the Nanny

I know our parents said it about us, but kids are just different these days! We used to mop the floor, now the kids want to know if I'm going to "swiffer." Do they know what a mop is? There's all day kindergarten and caring what your hair looks like when you're 5. I never wondered if my friends were going to like the clothes my parents bought me (at least not until junior high) and we didn't do our shopping together on the internet. We had frogger and pack-man and now kids all around the planet play World of Warcraft together. We didn't have cell phones - crap, we had a party line and a rotary dial!

But even with all the differences, there are some things that remain the same. Little Evan told me matter-of-factly today that I'm his family and he asked who my family was. I told his he was my family, too. We took advantage of an 80 degree day and blew up the pool and made "rain" with the hose and tramped around in the soaking wet grass after we poured out the water. Each day walking home from kindergarten Lilly takes one hand and Evan takes the other and we look both ways before crossing the street.

It's a pretty incredible mission to help shape these young lives. To be responsible for their safety, their learning, their manners -- all the character building that will lead them into adulthood. It's daunting and thrilling and I'm looking forward to what's ahead for these intelligent, beautiful children.