Holiday Merriment

My tree. It's on the kitchen counter - but it is awfully cute!

My favorite sailboat ornament - it's ceramic and has a hole in the bottom for the light.

Me and sister, Becky, with the Jolly Man!

Mrs. Claus' cool socks! You know how much I love these :o)

Sheriff running in the snow.

Beautiful ornaments at the Grand Heron.

The Christmas Letter that isn't

Dear Friends,

Happy Holidays! I really, truly thought about writing a letter this year. It was always something I liked to do and enjoyed reminiscing about the year and finding fun photos to include. This year it isn't going to happen - again. There was absolutely no way to do it last year and now I just don't even know where to start. I think I'll capture the highlights after the first of the year on my blog (you'll have to read to be informed). I will send cards and this darling picture to those of you on my paper mailing list.


I wish you each a season of peace and joy and hope that 2009 brings you happiness and love.
Lori

Things I can't talk about

Sometimes when I lay in bed in the morning or stand in the shower the memories of that day come back to me so clearly I feel like it's happening all over again. I don't know why. Some say I suffer from PTSD. I don't know. This is probably just my minds way of processing a tragic/traumatic event. In time, I'm told, new memories and events will replace the old and we have a way of remembering only the good things (I guess that's how people have more than one baby - they forget the pain of delivery and only remember that beautiful newborn). Regardless, for now I continue to travel between the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the joy and the anger, the acceptance and the guilt, the laughter and the tears.

The Ship

This writing came to me recently from a new friend and recent widower. Thank you, Rick, for sharing these beautiful words and your story.

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand watching her until she is only a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky meet and mingle with each other. Then someone at my side exclaims, "There, she's gone."

Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large in hull and mast and spar as she was when she left my side, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of her destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone at my side says, "She's gone," there are other eyes watching for her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

(F. A. Fredrickson)

The memories of our loved ones live on forever in our hearts and minds. I'm so thankful to have had an abundance of wonderful adventures with Troy. May he enjoy the peace of his new voyage.

Love,

Lori

It's a small world

Posted by my blog friend.
Thank you T for your compassion and support!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

To my friend Lori.
You are an amazing woman. You have offered nothing but kindness and inspiring words. I think of you especially today. Troy is proud of you. I am proud of you. I wish you nothing but happiness and peace in the days ahead. Watching (reading) you gives me hope. Troy and B are up there smiling that we have met. I wish I were closer, so we could actually meet and drink to our fabulous husbands who had to leave us all too soon.
Love,
Me.

This Thanksgiving

We were able to be at the Plateau to visit Troy and Handsome. There are always many emotions as we approach the Plateau, and this is the first in 41 years without my son in my life. Gary and I are so thankful for the support of our family and friends and so grateful that Lori will always be our daughter. Joining us for the day were my sister Karen and her husband Bob, our dear friends Jerry and Susie, Rod and Nicky. Together we climbed the Plateau, and even though Lori could not be with us, she was there in our hearts and thoughts. It was a crisp clear day and we enjoyed the beautiful view of Mt. Rushmore from afar, and the vast rolling plains.

We joined hands around the cross and shared the things that we admired, appreciated and loved about Troy, when he was young he made many trips up to the plateau either on a four wheeler, horse back, truck or hiking (what fun he had) he chose a unique and incredible resting place. We will be back to visit soon.

We miss and love you so much!! Gary and MAMA

I give thanks

Today is such a day of reflection for me. It's been almost one year since my life took a drastic turn and not a day goes by when I don't question why this all happened. Why am I here? Why did Troy die and why did I survive? Even though I ask these things over and over - I do know one answer - I'm here because my journey continues. I may not know exactly what that is, but I know that I do cherish the day and wake each morning with a smile knowing that I am alive and I do feel good. There may be valleys to balance my peaks...but they do not last and I am not depressed and I do not hate and I do the very most I can to limit my negativity - especially to those things or people that I have no control over.

So many people have touched my life in the last year that I know by naming you individually I will surely leave out someone important. Please don't take offense if you don't find yourself mentioned, because even if I may overlook someone inadvertently you are all important to me.

My parents. Your love, support, listening and respect have made a huge impact on my healing.

My sister. You have listened to me cry and scream. You took charge right away when Troy died and planned the memorial and made sure all those things that had to be done that I couldn't even think about doing were done. You are amazing and strong and I hope you know that.

Gary and Sharon. You were handed an incredible sadness with the death of your son, Troy. Yet you never faultered in taking care of your daughter - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. I don't know how we would have survived this last year without each other. I have loved you since I met you and always felt a part of your family and want you to know that will NEVER change.

The kids: my nephews and niece. You may never know how incredible your youth, attitude, naivety, and sheer abandon have made me see the joy in life.

David. You opened your home to me and have always offered up good advice.

Maryjo. My "wife." I call her this because I feel the same things about her that we say in wedding vows - I love her no matter what! She's been such a rock in my life, and not just this last year, but since I met her. She's amazing!

Candice. My dearest friend. I don't know how I would have dealt with being in the hospital and packing the farmhouse without the help from her and Bob. Her faith in God is unwavering and the love and kindness that she has shown me in my life is worth more than all the money in the world!

Grandma and Grandpa. There are no words to express how blessed I feel to have you in my life!

Garry and Marcia. Your love, spiritual insight and ability to listen are so important to me.

Courtney. I think our relationship is a bridge for me. It combines my past with your future. I look forward to building our friendship.

Friends - old and new. I believe that each person who enters my life is here for a reason. You have all touched my heart and my soul and made me the person I am today.

I give thanks for all those I love and who love me, too. I hope that you know what you have done for me is without question the most selfless thing one human can do for another. If I can ever return the favor don't hesitate to let me know and I'll be by your side in an instant!

With all my love,
Lori

Let's Eat Cake!

Happy Birthday, Lilly!

Therapy

Yesterday I attended two therapy sessions - one private Acutonics (see: http://www.7keyssound.com/) session combined with acupuncture and one group Gong Attunement. It's hard to even put into words the different feelings I experienced from both these appointments. I definitely felt a freeing sensation and with my eyes closed could see clouds of gray particles leaving my body. I suppose these were the negative energies and/or bad thoughts, etc. I know all this "new age" stuff is a little weird for some of you, however, it sure seems to be helping me and at this point in life I make no judgements!

I was reminded that energy is a valuable thing and that the positive energy we have is meant for our mental, emotional and spiritual well being. Try to keep those negative thoughts out of your head and out of your life! I'm going to do my best...Also, surround yourself with positive people and events and don't forget to laugh.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig

Today I Cried

Have I shared that I haven't been able to cry since I came back from Rapid City in August? I think it was because of the closure that I experienced while I was there - placing the cross at the Plateau where Troy's ashes are spread and also leaving some of Handsome's ashes, as well. I had a great (although short) visit with Gary and Sharon and once again we were able to connect on an incredibly emotional level. Since that time I've been feeling that my sadness has been banished and replaced by such positive memories of Troy and all the wonderful things we experienced together. That I grew a lot in that time - that I gave and received love, joy and happiness. Three simple things that many people take for granted...or worse yet, never feel, or never allow themselves to feel.

Fast forward to today: I met a woman through a mutual friend. I'll call this new person in my life, MP, a definite spiritual connection. She's the owner of Soul Picnic, a special retreat center here, she's also a massage therapist and leader of a healing circle on Sunday mornings. As soon as I looked into her eyes I knew that this beautiful woman had come into my life for a very important reason. After just a few minutes of sharing the tears had sprung from my eyes, and let me tell you - RELIEF! Just in those brief seconds of talking I realized how (once again) I am strong, but I don't always have to be. This is my life and I love it and I have control over how I feel and who I let in to share it with...and I chose to add MP to my circle.

Don't call on Sunday morning, I won't be answering. I'll be at Soul Picnic taking care of me.
L

A Mother's Words

A while back I shared some of Grandma O'Neill's writings from her memories book. I want to take some time to do the same with "A Mother's Memories," in which Sharon answered questions and attached photos of Troy for his 30th birthday.

When I first held my baby, I felt: a little nervous, so many things to remember. But once I got comfortable with him it was a warm and fulfilling feeling, he fit perfect in my arms. He was a little chunk - I hugged every inch of him.

Some of the heartwarming and amusing things I remember are: I would say "you baby, me mommy..." He said baby first! He loved his pets, but would call the dog Kitty and the kitty Dog. I thought it was so cute I just let him do it. One day he said "Mom, we're calling the kitty and dog wrong." Smile was the next word, as I was always in front of him with a camera saying "smile." If anyone mentioned camera or picture, the automatic smile was on his face.

I can remember some of Troy's favorite toys, like: Mr. Rabbit and a wooden riding giraffe, long-necked, spotted yellow and black and red. And in thinking of them now, I once again feel: so happy that I got some gifts he truly loved. He would pack Mr. Rabbit everywhere we went, he named it and seldom shared it. Many nights he'd fall asleep with Mr. Rabbit's tune, The Lullaby. It was even almost destroyed by a bad dog, I had a friend make him over, he now had one ear, one eye, no music box and different material, but still his favorite. Now, the giraffe didn't get the tender loving care that Mr. Rabbit did, it had wheels, four of them and made of wood and a seat Troy could sit on. It got pushed, thrown down, hammered on, stood upon and many times found upside down. But the string in it's mouth always had to be straight. They shared many miles together!In remembering family times together, some of the things I value most are: I guess this would be on the Hermosa Ranch because as a family we were always doing everything together. Troy always had such a great sense of humor and found fun even doing the daily chores. Those were the years I watched him grow and learn and happiness was all he knew.

Sharon, Thank you for sharing such wonderful memories of Troy! I know how much he enjoyed reading through your answers to the questions in this book and I know that now it's so nice for me to read through your beautiful words.

I love you!

Lori

What I've learned as the Nanny

I know our parents said it about us, but kids are just different these days! We used to mop the floor, now the kids want to know if I'm going to "swiffer." Do they know what a mop is? There's all day kindergarten and caring what your hair looks like when you're 5. I never wondered if my friends were going to like the clothes my parents bought me (at least not until junior high) and we didn't do our shopping together on the internet. We had frogger and pack-man and now kids all around the planet play World of Warcraft together. We didn't have cell phones - crap, we had a party line and a rotary dial!

But even with all the differences, there are some things that remain the same. Little Evan told me matter-of-factly today that I'm his family and he asked who my family was. I told his he was my family, too. We took advantage of an 80 degree day and blew up the pool and made "rain" with the hose and tramped around in the soaking wet grass after we poured out the water. Each day walking home from kindergarten Lilly takes one hand and Evan takes the other and we look both ways before crossing the street.

It's a pretty incredible mission to help shape these young lives. To be responsible for their safety, their learning, their manners -- all the character building that will lead them into adulthood. It's daunting and thrilling and I'm looking forward to what's ahead for these intelligent, beautiful children.

Instructions for Life

From the Dali Lama...

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s:
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

I love you, too, Maryjo!

This came to me today from my dear friend Maryjo. I may not officially be "old" but I'm definitely "older" and can so relate to this. Enjoy! lco

Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART! MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

POE

View my page on Photographers of Etsy

Are my parents reading?

Okay. So if you know me, you know I'm the rebel child. Always have been [ask my mom, I was born in the hospital hallway] and always will be [why change now?]. So, in honor of Handsome's special place in my life and my heart he now has a spot on my ankle where I can always see him and think back fondly of all the great times we shared.

PS: it's really hard to take a picture of your own ankle!

I finally rode the Pig!

At least I remembered to cover my crotch :o)

Thank you for being a friend

On the beach in Westport

I forgot to mention that I brought a hitchhiker home from RC with me. My dear friend, I'll call her Coco, lent me her 13 yo daughter for a week. M3 rode home from SD with me (I know, poor girl!!) and we spent 7 days exploring Aberdeen, the local beaches, hitting the fair, shopping in Olympia, meeting my friends and family here and just having a darn good time! She is such a wonderful young lady that I almost didn't let her leave! And then Coco came on Thursday and we had a jam-packed 4 days before they both went home to SD together. There were only a few tears during our visit but lots and lots of laughter. As always, my friends help me immensely with my continued healing. I want to share a few fun pics from our week together...

Is there a Sunset Dance? Ocean Shores

Eating the delicious Piroshki Piroshki. Seattle

It's not just the destination...

Beautiful Sunflower Fields in Logan, Montana

Another Healing Journey

I had a great trip to Rapid City last week. I went for a family reunion - which was actually down-sized due to other commitments, gas and flight prices, etc. Regardless of the lack of many out-of-towners, I was able to spend Friday through Sunday with Gary and Sharon! I always love our visits and come away feeling like an even bigger part of their family (if that's possible) and much closer to them and Troy, too. It's almost magical, how after a few days of talking, laughing and crying with Sharon and Gary I feel as if the hole in my heart is a little smaller and a little less calloused.

A few special notes about the week:
On Sunday afternoon we (Gary, Sharon, cousin Lonny, good friend Jerry and wife Nicole and myself) went to the plateau to place the identical cross we nailed at the crash site in Maine. It was a beautiful day and so nice to be together for such a special occasion. We even had Sheriff with us so he could run around and enjoy the plateau and the scenery (although he did bark at the cows on the way back!). I also brought along some of Handsome's ashes to lay at the base of the cross. I didn't share this with my family and friends on the plateau that day, but I have a new internet friend who recently lost her husband unexpectedly and has experienced a "spirit animal" --- Tiffany: I want you to know that Brian was with us that day as we remembered Troy.

A common occurrence in my life recently has been a connection with people I don't know who I've either been able to help or who have helped me with grief. A good example is my blog friend mentioned above. However, it's also happened here in Aberdeen and in South Dakota. I had an interesting encounter in Butte, Montana, on my way to RC that reminds me that every day, all over this planet, people lose their loved ones. It's hard. It doesn't matter what people tell you to try or say to you - you still have to go through your own grieving process. One day at a time. And sometimes, it's one hour or even one minute at a time. I so appreciate all the people in my life who give me support and love and understanding. I can't imagine having gone through Troy's loss without each and every one of you.

lco

Family

I'm headed to South Dakota for a family reunion next week. I can't wait to see my family! Sharon and I talk all the time and as much as I enjoy each of those conversations, it's just so nice to see my loved ones face to face! I also miss my dear friends, Maryjo and Candice and their great husbands and beautiful children. I have a jam-packed five day trip and am driving there and back (1200 miles one way). My little travel buddy, Sheriff, is coming with and will help to pass the long hours on the road.

As most of you reading this blog know, Troy has some wonderful grandparents in Rapid City. Red and Helen have been a part of my life since I met Troy. We used to go over to their house on Fox Run while we were still dating for dinner, and let me tell you, Grandma could put on a good meal! Since I had very few grandparents in my life growing up I have felt truly blessed to have these kind, loving, intelligent people in my life. Troy had great stories of Red and Helen traveling to Florida to see him, camping trips all over the mid-west in the Tioga, growing up on the ranch adjoining his grandparents property, how they helped after the flood of '72, and so many more. There's no way I can ever relate all of them here.

In 1996 I sent Helen a "Grandmother's Memories" book to fill out for Troy's 30th birthday. (I also sent one to Sharon to do the same). I ran across these books recently during my move and thought this was so darling. I wanted to share it here:

When I first became a grandmother, I felt: like a million dollars. Troy was my first grandchild and he was such a sweet, lovable boy - blonde and blue eyes. For me, some of the most enjoyable things about being a grandmother are: the many times Troy spent at our house, sometimes a week or two at a time. Our home was his home and we went to shows and shopping. I spent a lot of time at K-Mart while he decided which toys he wanted.

For me, I won't forget the times Grandma and Grandpa came to visit us. They flew to Portland when we lived on the Oregon Coast and also to Alaska. We even took them sailing near Juneau on our sailboat and Troy somehow coerced Grandpa into getting into the Zodiac inflatable boat for a ride! It was the funniest thing I've ever seen - Grandpa Red had one hand on the boat and the other on his cowboy hat and they were buckin' the waves!! Troy loved to share his enthusiasm and adventures with his grandparents and I think they loved it, too.

I'm so fortunate to have these wonderful people in my life. I'll see you both soon!

Love,

Lori

You Have Become

The following poem came to me today with Handsome's ashes. I thought it was beautiful and so appropriate for both Handsome and Troy.

You have become the wind that plays in my hair.

You have become the water that washes away my pain.

You have become the sun that takes away my tears.

You have become the shadow who gives me the power to fight with all my fears.

Now you are in heaven, sleeping your endless sleep,

Living your prettiest dreams on a cloud, so soft and so deep...

By Sanja Temnik

Handsome

Yesterday my Handsome boy passed away. I knew it was coming, he was very ill and not responding to his diabetes treatment. My vet(s) and their wonderful staff did so much to help him and make him comfortable near the end. They also knew that Handsome would lapse into a coma at any time and didn't want us (Handsome and me) to deal with that over the weekend at home. I was able to hold him through the end and afterwards until I was ready to say goodbye and leave him. I didn't know it would be this hard. He was my friend, my first "kid" with Troy! We brought him home from the Juneau Humane Society on August 30, 1995. He was just seven weeks old and could lay in the palm of my hand. Troy loved him so much! He even "snapped" his tail...a special trick I've never seen anyone else do. I know that Handsome had a great life and that I have an abundance of incredible memories with and of him. I also know that Troy and Handsome are in their special place now - together.

I'll add pictures of Handsome later. Just too much for me now.

Lori

WISH

As most of you know, Troy had written a novel titled WISH, which he completed in 2001. He worked to get it published and available to the public for many years. Iʼm thrilled to announce that Iʼve made that happen! Itʼs now available for purchase through http://www.lulu.com/ and the hardcover book is being assigned an ISBN so it can be bought through book sellers worldwide (this will happen in about a week). In the meantime, WISH can be purchased through the links below (or search at lulu) in either paperback or hardcover.

Hereʼs a synopsis Troy wrote:

Cole Caffy has dedicated his life as a talented engineer to building bridges that span rivers, which create safe passages. On the day of his retirement he wonders what kind of life heʼll lead without his days consumed by his passion for building bridges.

The answer comes in the form of a mysterious letter delivered sans postmark by a mischievous mailman. The letter informs Cole that because of his good deeds, and all that he has readily put aside so that others may discover fortune in their lives, he has been granted the ability to have his own wishes come true.

The unintended consequences of using his vibrant gift overwhelms Cole until a Dickens-like Clara Tout, another wish recipient, teaches Cole to understand the difference between wishing for what he wants and helping others obtain their own dreams.

Wish explores the chaos that underlies the power to acquire whatever we want, even when one with a generous heart is handed the reins of that very power.

Links:
Paperback http://www.lulu.com/content/2887791
Hardcover http://www.lulu.com/content/2903454

I love this story! I can't even tell you how many times I've read it and each time I become emotionally involved with the characters. For those of you close to Troy, I know you will hear his voice as you read the words. It's also nice to know many of the characters are named for people in Troy's life: Laura is the lead female, Jerry is a bartender, Brett is a friend's son, Jenny Massey is a neighbor, Sharon is a prior love-interest for Cole -- and there are others. I hope you are able to purchase a copy and read this fabulous book. Please feel free to pass along the information to anyone you think would enjoy a copy.

Love,

Lori

My Week

I so badly want to blog about the past and include scanned pictures of Troy, especially when he was young and with his family and all his adorable pets. I need to just make the time...so stay tuned - it will show up here soon.

I have a nasty sinus cold. It's strange how in life we tend to take the little things for granted. Even this morning when my head was throbbing and the snot was running down my face, I still got up, let Sheriff out to potty, refilled the water dish for him and Handsome, got some Tylenol and juice and went back to bed. I sure missed Troy! He was always such a good husband and so thoughtful, especially when I didn't feel good. So friends, don't forget to thank your spouse and child/children for the little things they do to make your life easier!

I'm flying the nest. It's been 6 months and two states with sis and family. It's been a great ride, but the time has come for me to venture off on my own. I found an over-the-garage apartment through a friend and can take my boys. They only rent to people they know and it's quite affordable. I'm so looking forward to painting and moving and arranging. I need some time for me and also time with the kids to be a good aunt. I think I get a little overwhelmed and turn into a "mom" and not the "let's have fun auntie" that I want to be. Plus, Becky and David need there space back. Okay, I sound like I'm justifying when what I really want to say is that I'll have my own place and can hardly wait!!

For those who haven't heard, Mr. Handsome is diabetic. Poor baby! I just found out last week and am giving him insulin shots twice a day. He doesn't seem at all bothered by the shot, which really helps me (because I hate needles!). So far, so good. He's even showing signs of improvement. Just keep him in your thoughts...

Signing off for now. I'll be back soon.
Lori

Art

I've spent the last few days going through some sketch books and journals of Troy's. As you can imagine, there have been a lot of emotions for me surrounding such a task! Troy was such an incredible artist and an imaginative writer. I wanted to share this picture he drew for me and I just scanned. You won't be able to see the detail, but hidden within the leaves of the tree are some amazing things - a little star man holding a Swiss flag, a purse, some insects, an Army guy and all kinds of neat little things. I'm sure they were symbolic for Troy, and most I know why, but some leave me wondering...

Enjoy the art, I'll add more soon.

Lori

Troy's Birthday

I spent Troy's birthday, May 2nd, on the beach in Westport, Washington, with Sheriff. We had a nice day of quite reflection.

Tears

Just wanted to share that I'm sitting here tonight looking at pictures of Troy. What a great man and a great life! I can't help but see blurred words as I write this through my tears. I think it's okay to be sad, that I'm greiving, and that I'm lonely. I hope he knows how much I love him -- always did and always will. I know many of you feel the same way.

I read this quote just today for the first time, and couldn't help but think of Troy:

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." -- Abraham Lincoln

Lori

Ireland

Our dear friends, and previous neighbors in Rapid City, Mike and Holly, are on vacation in Ireland and then headed to a wedding in Bulgaria. I had asked if they would take some of Troy's ashes to Ireland to be spread as they saw fit. When we met in Rapid City two weeks ago I left them with a little bit of Troy so he could keep traveling!

Today I received these pictures. They scattered Troy's ashes yesterday at Crough Patrick in Ireland. It looks like a beautiful spot.

Thank you so much Mike and Holly!

I wish you continued safe travels.
Love,
Lori

The Rubber Rainboot Fashionistas

Maryjo, Lori, Becky

Ocean Shores, Washington

April 2008

Sharon at Old Orchard Beach, Maine

April 9, 2008

3366 Miles

On Saturday, April 5th, Sharon, Troy's mom, flew to Portland, Oregon. She spent two days here in Aberdeen with me, Becky and the three kids. I picked her up, we went to the beach on Sunday and then toured town and headed off to Seatac airport on Monday afternoon. That evening, Sharon and I flew to Portland, Maine via Newark, New Jersey. We we thrilled to notice that Newark boarders New York and at 7am (after being up for over 24 hours!) we could see the New York City skyline and even make out the Empire State Building. Our plane flew over the harbor and I anxiously pointed out the Statue of Liberty below us. What fun!

We arrived on Tuesday to beautiful weather in Portland and drove a rental out to Brett and Patricia's house in Hollis. Troy and I first met Brett in Juneau and he was kind - and patient! - to teach us to sail there. We cultivated a deep friendship and saw Brett many times even after leaving Juneau. About two years ago, Brett married a beautiful woman (both inside and out), named Patricia, and they have settled in Maine. The afternoon we arrived there was filled with talking and sharing and a bit of sightseeing the area. On Wednesday "the girls" (Sharon, Patricia and myself) ventured out to Portland Head Lighthouse, the Atlantic Ocean and two other lighthouses in Maine. We were also able to visit Old Orchard Beach, where some of the last pictures of Troy were taken in Maine. Sharon and I both scattered Troy's ashes along the eastern sea. It was a wonderful day and I'm so glad we could share in these places together. On Thursday, Brett, Sharon and I drove to Cornish to the site of the accident. We placed an amazing stainless steel cross that Gary had made on a tree in the area. You can imagine that tears were shed as we nailed the cross to the tree and so lovingly remembered Troy - our husband, our son and our friend.

It was on this day that we also loaded our belongings into a Uhaul truck that Sharon and I would be driving west. We began our long trip together on Friday morning. My calculations showed it was approximately 1770 miles to Huron - which we anticipated on making in 4 days. When we phoned Gary that day he told of a spring blizzard in Huron - over 10 inches of snow, wind and even power outages. I wasn't worried. I told Sharon we would have good weather. We had so many people praying for our safe travels. Sharon's friend, Trish, even said that we would need dark glasses to keep the bright glow of the angels from distracting us along the way! Our first day we headed through Troy, NY and then Sharon Springs. What fun to find our family names along the route. We stayed east of Erie, PA, the first night and clocked just over 600 miles. It was odd to turn on the Weather Channel and see pictures of snow from Rapid City, SD! The second day was also fabulous weather, but we knew the storm was headed our way. We reassured our loved ones that we would stop when the snow came, we weren't in any hurry, we kept repeating. Saturday evening we came upon light snow flurries and stopped outside Chicago - after passing through Gary, IN! - again with just about 600 miles. Sunday morning we woke to blue skies and no snow and when we looked at the weather the storm had passed by us in the night without leaving a trace. I was getting disappointed about not finding a "Lori" for a town and just then we saw a sign for Christmas Valley - HA! the family names were complete!! We arrived in Huron in time for a delicious dinner Gary had cooked. We hadn't run into any weather problems and only had a small traffic delay in Chicago. We'd completed this leg of the trip in three days instead of four. It was so great to pass the miles and the hours talking with Sharon. I think our journey would have made an amazing reality show - we talked about everything! We laughed, we reminisced, we cried, and I truly believe we healed each other, even if just a little bit.

Monday was a day of much needed rest for me and for Harvey the Uhaul. We couldn't spend that much time in the truck without giving it a name. On Tuesday morning I drove a short day (about 300 miles) out to Rapid City. I stayed with Bob, Candice and their family and met up with friends that night. I counted 14 people who came out to visit with me, hear about the trip to Maine and get any other news. I had a wonderful time and hope everyone else enjoyed chatting, too. On Wednesday afternoon we drove to the Plateau in Hermosa where Troy's memorial service was held and ashes spread. Sharon and Gary had been up there approximately 10 days before and had told me the most amazing thing - that the roses were still red! I was so excited to go back and see the Plateau and surrounding area and also the beautiful red roses. I'll share a picture here for you to see for yourself. Truly unbelievable and just gorgeous!

Wednesday evening Maryjo joined me and Harvey for the rest of the trip west. We left after she was off work and drove to her sister's in Gillette. I told Maryjo we should call and let her know we had left a little later than we thought, but she didn't think it was necessary. Well, we should have, because Terri thought we were coming Thursday night and they were all in bed when we arrived! On Thursday we drove 620 miles to Haugen, MT, the home of Lincoln's 10,000 Silver Dollars. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that Maryjo brought Traveling Jerry - a small vial of her Dad's ashes with a sticker on the front of Jerry's face on a gnome's body. We wanted to make sure and take pictures of Jerry along the way. I'm sure the waitress thought we were a bit nuts when we placed Jerry on the bar for a photo shoot! Friday took us through Coeur d'Alene and Spokane and then into Aberdeen. We had a great trip and only encountered snow on Snoqualmie Pass just east of Seattle.

Maryjo was able to stay in Aberdeen with me until today, Tuesday the 22nd. We went out to the beach, explored Aberdeen and even went into Seattle before her flight left. I don't think she wants me to share this little story - but I can't resist! On Sunday morning we were getting ready to go to the beach and Maryjo couldn't find Dad. He wasn't in her purse, her pockets or her suitcase. I cringed to think we had left Traveling Jerry in the Uhaul, but didn't know where else he could have escaped to! So we drove to the Uhaul store and spotted our truck in the lot. I ran over and looked in the window and there he was - just inside the door handle pocket on the passenger's side. Thank goodness! I ran back to tell Maryjo and then return to the truck, hoping the door wasn't locked, and to my good-luck, it wasn't! I reached in, grabbed him and ran back and hopped in the van. Becky was convinced the police were going to be chasing us after they saw us on the security tapes :o) Thankfully we found him before he went on a whole new journey!

This trip was one that had been on my mind for a while. I didn't know quite what to expect or how I would feel going back to Maine. I am so thankful that Troy's mom, MY mom, Sharon, was able to go with me. We both needed the time together to share our joy and our sorrow. I know that this journey has made a lasting impact on our lives. I am also so happy that Maryjo could come back to Washington with me. She's always fun and we can't help but have hilarious adventures when we're together. I thank Sharon and Maryjo for sharing this incredible experience with me. I wouldn't have wanted to do it without them.

Love you both!

Lori